Thursday, 25 November 2010

Fearing the worst

Hello

I have recently had both a PET and a CT scan and have to see the consultant this Tuesday the 30th. This is the day after my birthday and good results would be a very nice present I fear the worst.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a born worrier but this time I really feel that things are going to be bad. Last year I was told twice that I only had months rather than years to live. Was also told that last Christmas would be my last and that I would never see my daughter go to medical school and I have proved both those predictions wrong, my daughter started at Hull Medical School in September.

The date of 30th November is also significant in that I returned to work on 1st December last year even though I was told by the medics to take my pension and have a good time. Glad I didn't take there advice on that one!

If I do need further treatment it may include stem cell treatment which involves a stay of 3 months in hospital and in all honesty I do not think I could tolerate this especially as the success rate is only 30%. May be I should just let nature take its course, I am so worried I do not know what I will do. Hopefully it is going to be good news but my mind is certain that it wont be. As you can imagine this along with a lot of tension at home is causing many sleepless nights.

I have also updated my will which includes my funeral arrangements which is also playing on my mind. In a similar context we were discussing funerals at work the other day (another friend has passed to the great railway station in the sky) and the conversation turned to epitaphs and I said I only wanted two words-'He cared'.

On the subject of caring I would like to say a very special thanks to one of my fellow bloggers who is a tower of strength to me. All I will say is that I want her to find that special happiness that seems to elude me.

Andy

11 comments:

ADB said...

Andy,
I am aware of your on-going health problems, and will not belittle your concerns about what the doctor may tell you next week. We should all make due preparations for when the time comes, but hope that this is a lot longer off than you may fear at the moment. Keep us posted.

Guido

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Will keep you in my thoughts on Tuesday.

Sybil said...

Hi Andy, I am so sorry that you are feeling so worried about the outcome of your appointment on the 30th. It is only natural, anyone who has had cancer ... and thier loved ones...fears a return. However I always say whatever the outcome is we have to enjoy TODAY it is the only sure day we have...
So please look forward to today and try not to predict what may never happen. I speak from experience Andy...don;t forget to come back and update us as soon as pos.
LOve Sybil

Linda George said...

Andy, I can understand your fearing the worst. I hope your worries are unfounded. However, if they aren't I seriously think you should go with the treatment, you have done so well to date and I'm sure that if there is a 30 % chance of success, you would be one of the lucky ones. You can't give up, you have a daughter that needs you. xx

Jeanie said...

A cancer survivor myself Andy I know where you are coming from. It isn't easy to have that awful spectre always on your shoulder. However, every day is a blessing and you have been blessed so far. Seeing your daughter get in to medical school and begin her lifetime career is monumental. I know you are so proud. I was when my having cancer brought my daughter to her decision to become a teacher. She has now graduated. I never thought I would live to see that! My prayers are with you. I want to encourage you to be positive and not to let the 'blighter' take over your life.
Onwards and upwards my friend! That's my motto which I am passing on to you.
Send to you with lots of good vibes and wishes.
God bless you.

Jeanie

Angie said...

I thank God I haven't (yet) been tested in this way, though my eternal pessimism kicked in when I was recalled after a routine mammagram. It was a case of "fear the worst but hope for the best".

I can't imagine how I would be in your shoes but mythoughts, hopes and prayers are with you.

love, Angie, x x x

Helen said...

I know how hard things have been Andrew but just look how far you've come. You are no quitter and never will be, thoughts with you always my very good friend xx

Funnyface said...

My Dear Andrew
Here we are a year on fearing the worst again. There is no point in trying to second guess this next outcome. But we must, be positive and hope for the best. As i have said to you before, you must take every chance available to you, even if its only 30% - it is still a chance. You know i am always here for you.
Big Luv
Jaynee x

Ally Lifewithally said...

Andy you have proved them wrong before ~ So I am hoping you can do the same again ~ will be thinking about you on Tuesday and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers ~ Ally x

Odds Bodkins. said...

Hi Andy,

It's not easy to keep positive at times like this but it's the one thing you need to do.
Please know you're in my thoughts and I'm crossing everything that can be crossed for a good result on Tuesday.

B.

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

I just found your blog. As a fellow cancer survivor, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Also...Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blogs Lists” with over 1200 other personal cancer blogs at www.beingcancer.net, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources, reviews and more.
If you have not visited before or recently, please stop by. If you agree that the site is a worthwhile resource for those affected by cancer, please consider adding Being Cancer Network to your own blogroll.
Now that you are listed, you can expect to gain a wider audience for your thoughts and experiences. Being Cancer Network is a place to share and communicate.

Take care, Dennis (beingcancer@att.net)